To Be Loved

Written August 23, 2022

I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly loved, but if I have, how would I even be able to tell? Maybe I have felt love when I was much younger, but that’s a feeling and memory that has been long forgotten. I don’t know why I’m this way. It’s not like my parents didn’t love me. Yes, they may have been a little more closed off than most, but they tried their best and that’s all that matters. When I try to think of instances where I felt loved, appreciated, wanted, or whatever you want to call it, it’s like there’s a wall of doubt that inhibits me… A plethora of “what ifs” and “buts” make me start to think that this possible feeling of love is fake.

I’ve been in plenty of romantic relationships, most of them were online and/or long distance, but I took them seriously. I’ve even had a few relationships that were in person and not long distance, but I still felt the same. I have felt that in every relationship, it has been one-sided. It felt as if I still had a huge crush on the other person, but that wasn’t the case because we were in an established relationship. “I love you’s” from my partner felt null. It’s not that I thought that they were lying, it’s that there was, and still is, something possibly wrong with me. Feeling unloved in my relationships doesn’t just stop at romantic ones either - it extends to familial and platonic relationships as well.

Although I don’t know for sure, I can theorize why I feel this lack of appreciation. It could be various past experiences that have led me to believe that I am unlovable.. Perhaps it is just because of my mental illnesses in general; depression can make you see everything negatively, including one’s self.

At the time of writing this, I am single and have been for a while now. Although I really want a significant other (as selfish as it sounds, it’s painful for me to see all my friends in loving relationships), I’m beginning to think that maybe things are better off this way. If I am single, I have a lesser chance of hurting the ones I love.